Starting this week why don’t we try something a little different? Something a little… personal.
Elephant’s Voice is giving you guys your own five minutes – and a little advice. Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on, helping hand and, (sometimes) a wake-up call.
Hi, I saw you wanted people for an agony aunt Q and I have one. I’m really struggling with my boyfriend lately he seems very distant before we used to see each other 3/4 times a week now it’s one every two weeks if I’m lucky. I’m starting to think there might be someone else I don’t want to accuse him. What do I do?
As people grow older they grow as a person – both physically and emotionally. Sometimes lovers are lucky enough to grow together and form an ever stronger bond as a couple. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. Your boyfriend may just be very busy and focusing on progressing in his own life right now. This is the glass-half-full kind of approach. However, it would be nice to be told if this is the case.
Relationships do tend to calm down after the initial honeymoon phase of mad sex here, there and everywhere. Suddenly instead of being in each other’s pockets, you’re in love more realistically. This is not a bad thing. Ever watch Friends? (If not, you’re doing something wrong). Chandler and Monica’s relationship started to ‘cool off’ but Chandler was quick to explain that the rampant sex and lust dies down making room for intimacy and a future. This is what to focus on. Maybe he just doesn’t have the time right now and he’s making time when he can.
But, and this is a big but, sometimes cheating happens. A lot of the time women report a ‘funny feeling’ or suspicious behavior. Do not start with the accusation, start with a question. ‘What have you been doing?’ ‘I’m seeing less of you, is everything okay?’. As women, we tend to google surpassing an iPhone passcode and logging into our partners Facebook before we quite simply. Everyone deserves a chance to explain.
Trust your man, but also, trust your gut.
So, basically, I was raised by two women. My moms are lesbians and they’re deeply in love. I’ve always respected and looked up to my parents but I know they only got together after my dad died, shortly before I was born. My mom and her best friend had always been close and I guess they just fell in love with the trust they had for each other. I’ve had a girlfriend for four years now and we’re very happy, but I’m scared if she dies I’ll turn gay like my mom did. What should I do?
It’s so good to hear that you’ve still had two parents loving you and supporting you, even after your dad passed. Once referred to as ‘broken homes’ now seen as ‘modern families’ dynamics such as your own are now widely accepted and often praised. It’s also not unusual for children whose parents are in long-term same-sex relationships to feel that this may trigger homosexual feelings.
Sexuality is not down to socialisation or the relationships you find yourself surrounded by. Sexuality is determined, much as you mentioned when speaking of your own mother’s mutual respect, by feelings and not sexual organs.
People fall in love with people, not just gender.
Research conducted by Stony Brook University found that although children brought up by homosexual parents have a deeper understanding of homosexuality most find themselves to be heterosexual (straight).
No proven scientific difference has even been found to show a relationship between homosexual parents and homosexuality. If you’re worried about your own sexuality remember that not is black and white. Sexuality is on a scale and it doesn’t need to be defined by a term. I would suggest asking yourself these questions: Am I enjoying a sexual relationship with my girlfriend? Do I ever look towards gay porn? Am I scared of being gay? What’s made me think I may have homosexual feelings? Check out these two pages, they may help. Research into homosexual parents and sexuality of children. and also Am I Gay? Am I normal?
My boyfriend says he’ll spend more time with me, but he just ditches me for his friends constantly and keeps making false promises. He never takes me out or anything and promises to change but it’s difficult when he’s all about his friends. Honestly, Charlie, I could role off about 50 issues to you.
I feel your pain. When you’re feeling constantly let down by your other half the whole point of a relationship starts to feel redundant. The words you use ‘ditches’ and ‘false promises’ all just tell me how frustrated you’re feeling – if I can realise this from just three sentences why can’t your ‘Mr. Right’ stop being ‘Mr. Wrong’? Every woman has gone through this, most men have too.
Your partner is supposed to be there for you, someone you can lean on and the person who doesn’t break the promises that sometimes friends do. You deserve to feel like his priority. Hell, your relationship deserves that.
As he’s promised to change I understand that this continued poor effort is infuriating, if not even a bit disrespectful. I’d advise having ‘that conversation’ again, but sternly. Tell him not only how you feel but what the consequence will be if you continue to feel this way. Would you continue with the relationship if this behavior carried on? Tell him if you wouldn’t. Most people wouldn’t.
Also, going out on dates during courting is so important. Women want to be shown off, we all deserve to be. Men too. Dates don’t have to cost a penny, remind him of that. Walks in the sun, visiting places and scouring the web for voucher deals all count. Everything counts, no matter how little the effort.
Please remember, being treated as a girlfriend is a message to everyone. Being treated as you are is a message to yourself.
Talk to him (sternly)! If he doesn’t change after this chat then maybe you need to make your own change, either of attitude towards it or boyfriend. I wouldn’t blame changing the latter – we all deserve to be the priority.
Please note that all messages sent will be answered with sensitivity and honesty. If you want some advice to feel free to contact me via Facebook, Twitter or email and I will answer via a post, you will be kept anonymous.
If this post gets good traffic/feedback I will set up a link to send messages entirely anonymously!