The stages of your period: ‘NO UTERUS, NO OPINION’

Those ‘care free’ period adverts? Forget them. Here’s the truth: absent of bloodied photographs and instead with a few fun facts and some light humour.

Those horrid pre-period hormone – PMS. The joys! The NHS medically describes PMS: ‘Premenstrual syndrome (PMS) is the name given to the physical, psychological and behavioural symptoms that can occur in the two weeks before a woman’s monthly period. It’s also known as premenstrual tension (PMT).’ Aaaaaaand, this is a recognised thing. Thank god, sometimes I did wonder if I was just weird. 1/20 women cannot continue with their normal daily lives because of PMS. Well I guess I’m a 1/20 kind of girl. PMS has even be a successful defends in murder trials. Lesley White, law expert, commented: “Every month, millions of women suffer from PMS. But the marriage break-ups, rages — and even murders — could be averted if this condition was taken seriously.”  

‘Ever get your period and think oh, that explains alot’

This little link takes you to a web page filled with murder trials and other serious offences that have been lowered or found innocent of because of PMS -> PMS and its cases

  1. Oh the cravings! CHOCOLATE. ICE CREAM. FIVE LUNCHES AND SEVEN PUDDINGS. MAYBE A SMALL CHILD.    You eat everything. Scientifically there is a reason for this, and ladies, there is also a plus side. Scientists have found that a week before your period your body burns on average an extra 300 calories! To read more on cravings just visit: Something alot of women also report craving is, ahem, sex. Now reading this you may have one of two reactions ‘ew!’ or ‘yes!’ With a quiet relent that I have mentioned this topic/activity. It’s healthy and can help with the pain, orgasms release natural pain killers and lift your mood. Plus, the intimacy may just pop a plug in those tears. If you’re worried about mess or boyfriend is turned off feel free to explain the pro’s of your increased sensitivity and maybe include a reminder that periods are natural and healthy!
  2. Those swelling boobs, bloated belly and oh god don’t forget the spots, lots and lots of greasy, yellow headed spots: making you as ugly on the outside as you feel inside.
  3. You know it’s close when your pee isn’t like normal and you’re pooping a little more because you’re starting to cramp. A little more? Hm, for some it’s more than a ‘little’. Women’s Health explain this side effect in brilliantly simplistic terms:

    ‘During the first few days of your period, your body releases prostaglandins—

    hormone-like compounds that have a ton of complex roles, including triggering the uterus to contract (hello, cramps). Unfortunately, these

    prostaglandins don’t just stay in the uterus; some stray over to your bowel, prompting it to contract (and, well, you know what happens from there). “Prostaglandins have an effect on smooth muscle, and the bowel is actually a smooth muscle,” says Jennifer Gunter, M.D., an ob-gyn in San Franciso and a popular blogger.’

     So basically, the period hormones create the crappy cramps and the cramps make the crap. 

    For the full article posted by Women’s Health in 2015 visit

    This crappiness is also apparent within our purses. New research has revealed that British women spend as much as £18,450 on their periods over the course of their lifetime. A large percentage of the money goes of essential sanitary items and pain relief for cramps, while many of us also buy extra chocolate and new underwear because of our periods. Let’s leave that point there though, before we start on about tampon tax…

  4. The first sighting is either one spot in the bottom of the toilet seat or a huge wave of basically all the blood in your entire body. It’s normal at this point to hate yourself, your uterus and basically all of humanity. The average amount of blood lost during a period is 30-40 millilitres (ml), with 9 out of 10 women losing less than 80ml. Heavy menstrual bleeding is considered to be 60-80ml or more in each cycle. However, it is rarely necessary to measure blood loss. Though it is often necessary to chuck away period stained pants. 
  5. Most periods last 2-6 days, this is the average amount of time and any regular time frame is healthy but feels from it. We’re talking tears, tantrums and a lot of TLC. 
  6. The first two days are always the hardest, it’s not just me who experiances this, many women report it. I’ve seen girls pass out, vomit, sweat and even struggle to hold their own bowel movements because of how severe the pain can be. If you’re one of the lucky ones who sail through periods then most women will warn you – any type of birth control can change that.     
  7. Okay, first two days are over. You’re not dead. You didn’t bleed out. Hell, even more suprisingly you didn’t kill anyone either. These two accomplishments deserve a round of applause. You go girl. 
  8. After this the symptoms and blood normally begin to pass easier, either you’re dulled to the pain, you’re high off paracetamol or Mother Nature really is cutting you some slack. Scientific studies actually suggest that ten before your period and the first two days of actually bleeding are statistically the worst.  
  9. Still waiting on those last few trickles to escape… 
  10. I could add a very dramatic blood clot in here but normally any clots pass within the first few days. However, this is a good opportunity to share some information and even an explanation. Clots are normal – relatively. Lots of clots can indicate a problem down below OR one big clot can indicate a first trimester miscarriage. Here’s why they happen, it’s a little complicated so I’ll give it a shot – during the middle of your cycle womb walls are getting thicker. If it doesn’t occur, the formed layer of uterine lining separates with blood during menses. Sometimes a woman spots grumes in her monthly bleeding. They normally range from 0.5 mm. to 3-4 cm. in size and remind liver in consistency. I’m going to spare you from a clot photograph. However, all the necessary information on clotting can be found here Understanding clots.
  11. HOORAY! No more blood! 
  12. Wait… What’s this? I thought you’d left me dear old blood? But what is this I see?
  13. Five days. I live to tell the tale. See you again in four weeks, you big, bloody bitch.

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